Le Shadow Noir

Ask Shadow: My Favorite Chair

2009-01-02T07:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Shadow,
My owner is constantly sitting in my favorite chair. When she is out during the day, I get to sleep in it, but at night, she just picks me up and puts me on the floor. She doesn't even put me in another chair. Is she abusing me? What can I do?
Not Sitting Pretty,
San Francisco, CA

Dear Not,
This sounds like animal abuse to me! Unless you're able to get on the phone and call PeTA, I'd do the following: never let her sleep. Keep her up at all hours. Exhaust her in the middle of the night by bolting across her room in the dark. And if she locks you out, simply scratch on the door or knock things down in other rooms. Note: find a good hiding place to run to when all the lights come on. Humans can't see in the dark.

Let There be Light

2008-07-11T18:36:00.000-07:00

Tonight I really pissed off Christophe. There was some kind fly in the house, but it moved very slowly. I climbed onto the table next to the couch and waited for it to move so I could kill it. Finally, it landed on the lamp shade. I tried to smack it, but only knocked the lamp over, which blew out when it landed on the couch.

He scrambled across the room to see if I had broken it. Unfortunately, I'd only pulled the plug out of the wall. Next time I'll aim it for the glass coffee table.

That will teach Christophe to waste all his time on the internet.

Print This

2008-07-01T08:25:00.000-07:00

Oh, I really annoyed Christophe this morning. I know he loves his electronics, so this morning, I stood on his precious photo printer while I did my morning screaming.

The look on his face was priceless. When he chased me off, I made I nice launch, almost knocking the printer off the table.

Photo printer - 0
Shadow Cat - 1

Take Me Home?

2008-06-30T10:44:00.000-07:00

Alright, everyone, I know I come off as a bit self-centered, but I'll put that aside to tell you all about a wonderful no-kill animal shelter in Freeport, Long Island.

There are tons of cats and dogs just waiting for a loving home. Donations are also appreciated.

Visit them here: Freeport Animal Shelter.

Shady? Who, me?

2008-06-27T06:15:00.001-07:00

Last night, I felt like smacking a few things onto the floor in the apartment. I cannot stand Christophe's pretentious sunglasses, so on the floor they went.

The best part was when he woke up, saw them on the floor and jumped out of bed to see if I had broken them. It was priceless.

Stupid humans.

Shadow's Tips: Getting Back at Them

2008-06-24T21:00:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, the humans went away on vacation. While they were gone, a female human came by and fed me. Though it wasn't hot, and there was plenty of food, I thought, "The nerve of these bastards. Who do they think they are, leaving me without entertainment?"

I hatched my plan. When they came back, I'd make them regret they ever packed their suitcases.

Last time they went away, they got a broken clock. This time, they'd get: a broken cat.

I started out with a simple silent treatment, then amped it up as the days went by. I did not eat in front of them, I did not drink, I didn't even go to the bathroom (you can imagine how that hurt). Not once did I meow, except for effect while in the litter box. I basically undid all the characteristics that they were used to.

And it worked. I overheard them talking about every possible thing that could be wrong with me. Everything from eating rubber bands to chemical poisoning, as if I would be stupid enough to drink paint stripper.

Soon, they grew worried and debated calling the vet. See? Their first answer is to send you away!

After almost a week, I was taken to the vet. I had to pretend to be lethargic, so I just sort of agreed to go in the carrier.

At the vet, I was told that I was overweight, but that was it. The vet x-rayed me and could find nothing wrong. In the end, the humans paid a stiff $400 fine!

The next day, I decided to go easy on them and start slowly returning to normal. I spaced it out over a week to torture them.

Below is my x-ray. I think I look fine. They're trying to put me on a diet now, cutting back my portions of Fancy Feast, but I just eat more dry food to make up the difference. Fools.

Hisses!
Shadow Cat

Almost...

2008-06-24T15:58:00.000-07:00

Ah, it has been so long since I have posted. Here is a photo of my last failed escape attempt. Thank catness for the chirping birds outside. They provided an ample excuse as to why I tore a hole in their screen.

Ask Shadow: Should I Run Away?

2007-09-05T07:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Shadow,

I hate my life. Really. My owner is never home, when he is he's cranky. Always ignoring me because he's "working" on his computer. Won't even play with me. I cry and cry and he just shushes me. After about 5 minutes, he'll finally get off his fat ass and play with me, but don't I deserve instant attention? I've been thinking of running away. What do I do?

Unappreciated,

Topeka, KS

Dear Unappreciated,

I'm so sorry to hear of this. First off, running away is the stupidest thing you can do. Do you want to meet the business end of an SUV? I didn't think so.

Back to business. From what I've read, I think you need to get him to love you more. But maybe you need to look within yourself first and stop being such a crybaby. Are you affectionate enough? Do you sleep with him? Do you even sit on his lap? Are you attentive even when you're not hungry? If you can't answer "no" to these questions, then maybe that's the root of the problem. You kind of hinted that you're a bit demanding with all the crying, so maybe you need to work on being a bit more loving. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Don't be a bitch. That's for dogs.

Ask Shadow: Food for Thought

2007-06-19T20:40:00.000-07:00

I am back from my vacation and feeling quite relaxed. I have decided to share my infinite wisdom with each and every one of you in a few feature I'm calling "Ask Shadow". I will be picking letters at random out of my massive fan mail bag and answering them.

Dear Shadow,

My owner always feeds me 9 Lives, which I despise. I have repeatedly asked her for Fancy Feast, but to no avail. Why is she doing this to me? And how can I make her change? I know that humans are rather easy to break, so any advice you can offer would be much appreciated.

Sick of Trash,

Palm Springs

Dear Sick:

Your human obviously hates you, so listen up. You could simply ignore the food, but humans are slow to figure out what our specific needs are. Drastic action needs to be taken. When she feeds you this dollar-store dreck, rush over immediately and start eating, but do not swallow. Then vomit right into the dish. She will be so disgusted that she will immediately feel sorry for you and throw the offending food in the trash. Do this enough times and she will believe that the food is making you sick. Recent recalls of other cat foods will support her paranoia. Consider yourself fancified.

Name Dropping

2007-03-18T19:41:00.000-07:00

Hello, All. I had promised Madam M that I would never use her name in vain, but sometimes there are situations where you must simply use what you have. That is me in my co-starring role in the 1989 music video for Express Yourself. I have to tell you, she's a bitch to work with, but she's fair.

Are you happy now, Garfield and Heathcliff? I guess this trumps your cancelled "cartoon television programs."

Cat vs. Cuckoo Clock

2007-02-26T19:54:00.000-08:00

Pay attention, fellow felines. This is a good one. Last summer, the humans decided to go away, leaving me home alone to be fed by a strange woman and an equally strange female dog once a day. I hate dogs, especially this one. Whenever it came over, it tried to play with me. I do not play with other species. Then it would eat my food. This went on the entire week. Finally, I looked up to the sky and prayed to the Cat Goddess of Ancient Egypt.
Suddenly, it hit me. I jumped up onto the ugly cuckoo clock to escape the inferior, ugly dog. My massive musculature proved too much for the flimsy clock, and down it went. Of course, with my superior flexibility, I managed to land on my feet. The clock did not fare as well.

When the humans came back, all relaxed and tanned, they were perplexed as to how this happened, until they discovered what they described as "forensic evidence." They had nerve to accuse me of doing this on purpose - and they were right.

Night Stalker

2007-01-19T15:27:00.000-08:00

I got on the two humans’ nerves last night. I couldn’t help it. I prefer the dark, so, when the lights go out, I like to meow in my warrior mode and bolt around the apart-ment pretending that I’m in the jungle, stalking prey. Last night’s fantasy was really getting me excited, but the humans woke up and complained, talking in some sort of alien language. I wonder what a sonofabitch is. They shined some sort of light at me, and I stood still, trying to look cute. They bought it, saying that they loved me. They are quite simple to fool with.

Once they started to fall back asleep, I got back into my fantasy mode, running around, jumping on top of the big white food vault and pretending to have just caught a large bird in my jaws. The humans woke up again, making hissing noises and threatening to drop me off at the shelter. My third play time was cut short when it began to rain in the apartment. One of the humans, the angrier one, chased me around the apartment with some sort of water shooting device. By that time, I was tired and fell asleep on the couch.

Meowy Christmas, Puny Humans

2006-12-22T08:30:00.000-08:00

Yes, yes, laugh now, puny humans, at my misery. Do this again and you shall rue the day! Meowy Christmas.

Tower of Trouble

2006-12-21T18:46:00.000-08:00

After some heavy pestering, I finally got my way. My owners had taken me back to the homeland--France. I could not wait to smell the superior air, eat the superior food and mingle with the other royal felines. In retrospect, I would suppose the first sign of trouble was the relatively short flight. Then, the dry, arid air as we disembarked the 737 jetliner. In the "hotel" there were slot machines everywhere, and badly dressed people, mostly in fanny packs and sun visors. It wasn't until I was taken to the Eiffel Tower that I sensed something was wrong. I did not know that the lower level of the Tower had a restaurant. And then I saw a sign: "Welcome to The Eiffel Tower Restaurant in Las Vegas, Nevada." Bastard owners of mine. They shall never sleep again.

I'm Famous, You Know

2006-12-21T18:42:00.000-08:00

The other cats are always second-guessing my lineage, my fame and my family tree. Here is the proof. That is my mother, Queen Prochainement of France. What say you now, naysayers?

Good Day, Inferior Humans

2006-12-21T13:20:00.000-08:00

My name is Shadow. I live in NYC with my owners, Christophe and Larenzo. The life of a royal domestic shorthair is sometimes difficult, but I will try to get you on my side. If not, I will simply scratch your eyes out. Here, I will express my innermost feelings, my problems and views on life. I hope you enjoy it. Again, if not, I will scratch your eyes out.