I am back from my vacation and feeling quite relaxed. I have decided to share my infinite wisdom with each and every one of you in a few feature I'm calling "Ask Shadow". I will be picking letters at random out of my massive fan mail bag and answering them.
My owner always feeds me 9 Lives, which I despise. I have repeatedly asked her for Fancy Feast, but to no avail. Why is she doing this to me? And how can I make her change? I know that humans are rather easy to break, so any advice you can offer would be much appreciated.
Sick of Trash,
Your human obviously hates you, so listen up. You could simply ignore the food, but humans are slow to figure out what our specific needs are. Drastic action needs to be taken. When she feeds you this dollar-store dreck, rush over immediately and start eating, but do not swallow. Then vomit right into the dish. She will be so disgusted that she will immediately feel sorry for you and throw the offending food in the trash. Do this enough times and she will believe that the food is making you sick. Recent recalls of other cat foods will support her paranoia. Consider yourself fancified.