Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Ask Shadow: Should I Run Away?

Dear Shadow,

I hate my life. Really. My owner is never home, when he is he's cranky. Always ignoring me because he's "working" on his computer. Won't even play with me. I cry and cry and he just shushes me. After about 5 minutes, he'll finally get off his fat ass and play with me, but don't I deserve instant attention? I've been thinking of running away. What do I do?

Topeka, KS

Dear Unappreciated,

I'm so sorry to hear of this. First off, running away is the stupidest thing you can do. Do you want to meet the business end of an SUV? I didn't think so.

Back to business. From what I've read, I think you need to get him to love you more. But maybe you need to look within yourself first and stop being such a crybaby. Are you affectionate enough? Do you sleep with him? Do you even sit on his lap? Are you attentive even when you're not hungry? If you can't answer "no" to these questions, then maybe that's the root of the problem. You kind of hinted that you're a bit demanding with all the crying, so maybe you need to work on being a bit more loving. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Don't be a bitch. That's for dogs.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Ask Shadow: Food for Thought

I am back from my vacation and feeling quite relaxed. I have decided to share my infinite wisdom with each and every one of you in a few feature I'm calling "Ask Shadow". I will be picking letters at random out of my massive fan mail bag and answering them.

Dear Shadow,
My owner always feeds me 9 Lives, which I despise. I have repeatedly asked her for Fancy Feast, but to no avail. Why is she doing this to me? And how can I make her change? I know that humans are rather easy to break, so any advice you can offer would be much appreciated.
Sick of Trash,
Palm Springs

Dear Sick:
Your human obviously hates you, so listen up. You could simply ignore the food, but humans are slow to figure out what our specific needs are. Drastic action needs to be taken. When she feeds you this dollar-store dreck, rush over immediately and start eating, but do not swallow. Then vomit right into the dish. She will be so disgusted that she will immediately feel sorry for you and throw the offending food in the trash. Do this enough times and she will believe that the food is making you sick. Recent recalls of other cat foods will support her paranoia. Consider yourself fancified.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Name Dropping

Hello, All. I had promised Madam M that I would never use her name in vain, but sometimes there are situations where you must simply use what you have. That is me in my co-starring role in the 1989 music video for Express Yourself. I have to tell you, she's a bitch to work with, but she's fair.

Are you happy now, Garfield and Heathcliff? I guess this trumps your cancelled "cartoon television programs."

Monday, February 26, 2007

Cat vs. Cuckoo Clock

Pay attention, fellow felines. This is a good one. Last summer, the humans decided to go away, leaving me home alone to be fed by a strange woman and an equally strange female dog once a day. I hate dogs, especially this one. Whenever it came over, it tried to play with me. I do not play with other species. Then it would eat my food. This went on the entire week. Finally, I looked up to the sky and prayed to the Cat Goddess of Ancient Egypt.
Suddenly, it hit me. I jumped up onto the ugly cuckoo clock to escape the inferior, ugly dog. My massive musculature proved too much for the flimsy clock, and down it went. Of course, with my superior flexibility, I managed to land on my feet. The clock did not fare as well.

When the humans came back, all relaxed and tanned, they were perplexed as to how this happened, until they discovered what they described as "forensic evidence." They had nerve to accuse me of doing this on purpose - and they were right.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Night Stalker

I got on the two humans’ nerves last night. I couldn’t help it. I prefer the dark, so, when the lights go out, I like to meow in my warrior mode and bolt around the apart-ment pretending that I’m in the jungle, stalking prey. Last night’s fantasy was really getting me excited, but the humans woke up and complained, talking in some sort of alien language. I wonder what a sonofabitch is. They shined some sort of light at me, and I stood still, trying to look cute. They bought it, saying that they loved me. They are quite simple to fool with.

Once they started to fall back asleep, I got back into my fantasy mode, running around, jumping on top of the big white food vault and pretending to have just caught a large bird in my jaws. The humans woke up again, making hissing noises and threatening to drop me off at the shelter. My third play time was cut short when it began to rain in the apartment. One of the humans, the angrier one, chased me around the apartment with some sort of water shooting device. By that time, I was tired and fell asleep on the couch.