Ask Shadow: My Favorite Chair

Dear Shadow,
My owner is constantly sitting in my favorite chair. When she is out during the day, I get to sleep in it, but at night, she just picks me up and puts me on the floor. She doesn't even put me in another chair. Is she abusing me? What can I do?
Not Sitting Pretty,
San Francisco, CA

Dear Not,
This sounds like animal abuse to me! Unless you're able to get on the phone and call PeTA, I'd do the following: never let her sleep. Keep her up at all hours. Exhaust her in the middle of the night by bolting across her room in the dark. And if she locks you out, simply scratch on the door or knock things down in other rooms. Note: find a good hiding place to run to when all the lights come on. Humans can't see in the dark.

Let There be Light

Tonight I really pissed off Christophe. There was some kind fly in the house, but it moved very slowly. I climbed onto the table next to the couch and waited for it to move so I could kill it. Finally, it landed on the lamp shade. I tried to smack it, but only knocked the lamp over, which blew out when it landed on the couch.

He scrambled across the room to see if I had broken it. Unfortunately, I'd only pulled the plug out of the wall. Next time I'll aim it for the glass coffee table.

That will teach Christophe to waste all his time on the internet.

Print This

Oh, I really annoyed Christophe this morning. I know he loves his electronics, so this morning, I stood on his precious photo printer while I did my morning screaming.

The look on his face was priceless. When he chased me off, I made I nice launch, almost knocking the printer off the table.

Photo printer - 0
Shadow Cat - 1

Take Me Home?

Alright, everyone, I know I come off as a bit self-centered, but I'll put that aside to tell you all about a wonderful no-kill animal shelter in Freeport, Long Island.

There are tons of cats and dogs just waiting for a loving home. Donations are also appreciated.

Visit them here: Freeport Animal Shelter.

Shady? Who, me?

Last night, I felt like smacking a few things onto the floor in the apartment. I cannot stand Christophe's pretentious sunglasses, so on the floor they went.

The best part was when he woke up, saw them on the floor and jumped out of bed to see if I had broken them. It was priceless.

Stupid humans.

Shadow's Tips: Getting Back at Them

A few weeks ago, the humans went away on vacation. While they were gone, a female human came by and fed me. Though it wasn't hot, and there was plenty of food, I thought, "The nerve of these bastards. Who do they think they are, leaving me without entertainment?"

I hatched my plan. When they came back, I'd make them regret they ever packed their suitcases.

Last time they went away, they got a broken clock. This time, they'd get: a broken cat.

I started out with a simple silent treatment, then amped it up as the days went by. I did not eat in front of them, I did not drink, I didn't even go to the bathroom (you can imagine how that hurt). Not once did I meow, except for effect while in the litter box. I basically undid all the characteristics that they were used to.

And it worked. I overheard them talking about every possible thing that could be wrong with me. Everything from eating rubber bands to chemical poisoning, as if I would be stupid enough to drink paint stripper.

Soon, they grew worried and debated calling the vet. See? Their first answer is to send you away!

After almost a week, I was taken to the vet. I had to pretend to be lethargic, so I just sort of agreed to go in the carrier.

At the vet, I was told that I was overweight, but that was it. The vet x-rayed me and could find nothing wrong. In the end, the humans paid a stiff $400 fine!

The next day, I decided to go easy on them and start slowly returning to normal. I spaced it out over a week to torture them.

Below is my x-ray. I think I look fine. They're trying to put me on a diet now, cutting back my portions of Fancy Feast, but I just eat more dry food to make up the difference. Fools.



Hisses!
Shadow Cat

Almost...

Ah, it has been so long since I have posted. Here is a photo of my last failed escape attempt. Thank catness for the chirping birds outside. They provided an ample excuse as to why I tore a hole in their screen.